Choices

Ryan's parents divorced when he was in 9th grade. Mine separated when I was a Junior in high school. They divorced sometime later... I'm not sure exactly when. Either way, it profoundly changed both of us. It continues to shape our lives everyday. I didn't realize that having divorced parents would be such an issue when we had Emily. Divorce is ugly, sad, and it devastates families. I don't care how people try to sugarcoat it. It sucks. It will suck forever; there is no way around it.  

 

I showed a documentary to my Juniors this last year called: Operation Homecoming; Writing the Wartime Experience.  It's great and available on instant Netflix. A veteran said: "There are some things one should not heal from: a broken home and war." This hit me hard. It hit the students hard as well. Many students wrote about their experience with divorce. It broke my heart. I wonder if parents know/truly understand the impact they are having on their children when they decide to divorce. When they decide to leave. It isn't just an issue of being "happy". It's an issue of stability. The family unit provides stability. That is what children need: stability, love, and consistency. 

 

So, Emily has four sets of grandparents. People say, "More people to love her!". I don't agree. Of course it means more people to love her, but it also means a life that is different for her due to the choices of others. She is lucky to have eight people in the role of grandparent, but it's hard being that Ryan and I grew up with our parents married. It's not as though we had to travel between houses- we each had the traditional family experience for most of our lives. Three of our four parents re-married later.  We don't think of their spouses as "step-parents". It's different. It's a reality I didn't think I would live. I didn't want divorced parents (who does?). I don't want Emily to be afraid that Ryan and I will divorce. I don't want Emily to think that divorce is the norm. I want her to know that we are a family unit. Always. Period.

I'm writing this because I know a lot of people my age are dealing with the same issues we are. Holidays are difficult. How does one decide where to spend Christmas without traveling to four different homes, eating four different Christmas dinners, opening too many gifts, and not hurting anyone's feelings? How does one explain the reality of divorce to a child?